Dude, fuck Nate Burleson. Fuck Nate Burleson and fuck his family. Fuck his kids. Fuck his parents. Fuck his dog. Fuck his cat. Basically fuck anything associated with Nate Burleson that has a hole in it. I was cruising in my fantasy playoff game. Roddy White went off on Thursday night for 10 catches and 2 scores. In our PPR league, that translated to 36 points for my team. Moreover, my opponent’s stud RB – MJD – managed a meager 13 points, well below his average.
I headed into the weekend with my eyes on the guaranteed $410 that second place represented, with a chance to win an additional $250 for the title. All I needed to do was hang on to my 23 point lead. $410 is a lot of money, especially in this economy. Do you realize how many lap dances I can get at the Cheetah for that kind of scratch? That would easily last me a few hours. So, all’s good in the 1:00 games, save for Reggie Bush deciding to have a career day against me. Still, when 4:00 rolled around, I held a 40 point lead. My opponent had four players left (Matthew Stafford, Nate F’n Burleson, Larry Fitzgerald, and the Pats D), while I had three (Peyton Hillis, Oakland D, and Mike Wallace).
I hate fantasy football. I don’t know why I play every year. It causes grief and sleepless nights and rarely provides for any benevolent feelings. It’s almost like sadomasochism minus the pleasure aspect. It has literally shaved months off of my life and added plaque to my arteries. Yet, I play every year. I deserve what I get, to an extent, but not this.
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Nate Fucking Burleson. That is his new middle name. This mother f’er has 548 yards receiving on the year with a paltry 2 touchdowns. That’s 42 f’n yards a game. Why my opponent is starting him is beyond me. It just shows you his lack of depth. Starting Nate Burleson in a PPR league is like starting an anorexic in a pie eating contest. This was his weak link. This was where I was to capitalize. Yahoo! Sports projected him to get 8.49 points. This mother f’er decides that my playoff week is the best time for him to channel his inner Jerry Rice and go off for 21 points. 21?! This dude has never topped 20 all year! I could have handled 10, even 15.
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Now, I am left facing a 19.9 point deficit. My opponent is done, and all I have left is Mike Wallace Monday night against the 49ers.
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Mike Wallace. When I traded for this dude, he was the king of the receiving corps. Then, he gets on my team and decides to turn into Ted Ginn Jr. 11 point per game average in the last four weeks. I need this dude to go off for 20 points tonight. 100 yards, 5 catches, and a TD. Doesn’t sound too tough. But it’s on the road against the Niners. I hope the Mad Rapist suits up cuz I don’t want Chuck Batch tossin the ball to him. C’mon Mike. Help me, you’re my only hope.
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[Editor's Note: The comments above are not to be taken seriously. I don't really hate Nate Burleson. Granted, if I run into him in a bar I won't be buyin him shots, but not every word written on this site is to be taken literally. Like the time I called Bethune-Cookman a culinary school and some dude went apeshit.]
