With the first fall practice still weeks away, we’re hurtin for Canes news during these dog days of summer. There’s only so many times I can write about Golden roping in yet another 4 star recruit. OK we get it, he’s killing it on the recruiting trail. So today, we will stray off the topic of Canes football. Waaaay off topic (as we have been known to do). Sorry @miamibuzztap, no need to tweet a link to this story. Farting is funny. I don’t care how old you are. Excreting a foul smelling odor out of your anus – and making a weird sound while doing so - is comedy gold. I’m in my thirties and still get a kick out of my buddy ‘steppin on a frog.’ Now, it’s all fun and games when it’s what I call ‘fun gas’ (i.e. loud sounds, not much odor). But when it’s an SBD and the odor is so foul it induces a gag like reflex, well then, party time is over. I hereby give you the five worst farts I’ve ever smelled. I remember each one as if it were yesterday:
5. Dave K., October 2000, On a highway in Dave’s car (Philadelphia, PA): My college buddy Dave is the only two time entrant on this list. Having seen his work from our college days, I knew what he was capable of. Still, after our visit to Pat’s (or was it Geno’s?) Philly Cheesesteaks, I was not quick enough. We’re just drivin on the highway headin to the Miami-Temple game, shootin the sh-t, when he starts laughin out of nowhere. Dave, who is driving, then reaches over and hits the Windows Lock button, thus sealing my fate. He then rips off a wet sounding fart. It’s the kind of fart where you KNOW the guy has to go wipe even though he hasn’t taken a dump. Gasping for air, I frantically try pushing the Window Down button, but it is too late. I am trapped. Dave is getting tears in his eyes cuz he’s laughing so much. I am getting tears in my eyes for a different reason. Well played.
4. My ex-girlfriend (name withheld to protect the guilty), December 2001, Riding in an Isuzu Trooper (Tampa, FL): My ex-girlfriend was, by all means, a small woman. 5’6″ about 120 pounds. There was the obligatory time in the beginning of a relationship where farting in front of the other person was off limits. Not sure when, but a few months in that wall came down. Crashing down. I was tootin left and right, and she would even chime in once in a while. Though, what transpired on that fateful Sunday afternoon driving to a Tampa mall still has me reeling. We had gone to dinner at some fancy restaurant the night before. Spicy seafood was the dish she ordered. In retrospect, I should have known. We’re just driving along, talking, when she kind of leans to one side. I think nothing of it, nor do I hear anything, but then….it hits me. “Oh my God!! What’s that smell?! Is that garbage?” She starts laughing. “Jesus! Was that you?!” More laughter. I swear, you could smell the spiciness. I never saw her in the same light. We broke up a few months later and I believe this was the catalyst that led to our demise.
3. Jake S., September 1988, University School Library (Davie, FL): This one gets on the list for the collateral damage it induced. My buddy Jake and I are chillin in the U School library, and I was reading a Sports Illustrated that had the state of Florida on the cover, discussing the dominance of the Florida schools in college football. Then, out of nowhere, I hear, “Oh man, this isn’t gonna be good” followed by a terse, semi-audible fart from Jake’s buttocks. I caught a whiff and darted to the back of the library. I’ve been around Jake long enough to know that you don’t want any part of that. Then, our buddy Brian unknowingly walks in the library doors. He heads towards Jake, unaware of what was going down. “Hey Ja-” was all he could get out before he ran into the invisible wall. “OH MY GOD!!!” yelled Brian. “OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD!!” Remember, we’re in a library where people are studying and silence is the norm. The librarian, Ms. Dalrymple, immediately interjects from across the room, “Brian!! Quiet please! People are studying!” But, he couldn’t control himself. The virtual uppercut had somehow dislodged his backpack and he was still uttering OMGs while Jake teared up with laughter. “That’s it Brian! Out!! Out of the library!” So, essentially Brian got kicked out of the library due to Jake’s horrible fart.
2. Khalil K., June 1997, Famous Sports Bar parking lot (Atlanta, GA): My college roommate Khalil and I went with Jake to a sports bar one summer night. Khalil at the time was addicted to MET-Rx shakes. They were some sort of weight gain milkshakes that assisted one’s bodybuilding endeavors. I don’t know if they worked or not, but I do know that the chemical components contained within those shakes made for some grotesque emissions from my roommate’s balloon knot. Ugh. So, I think he had a shake or two earlier that day and then you gotta tack on a couple beers that night. NOT a good combination. I had just gotten a new Acura Integra and was trying to keep my car in as pristine condition as possible. As we’re exiting the bar, we all pile into my two door Integra, Khalil in the back. We start pulling out of the parking spot and through the rear view mirror I see Khalil lean to one side. No sound. Uh oh. It hits me like a Tyson uppercut. I start cursing out Khalil for waiting until we got into the car. I literally had to pull over, we all got out of the car, and I opened the doors and let it air out for 10-15 minutes. Bastard.
1. Dave K., January 1995, Haygood Dormitory (Atlanta, GA): I remember this like it was yesterday. My buddy Dave who transferred out after freshman year, came back to visit the following year. He and his sister stayed with us for a couple days. It was like old times. A group of 8-10 people piled into my dorm room one night for some fun. Now Dave had been complaining all day about how his stomach hurt and how he had the runs. We were all hangin out when Dave, who was seated on the couch, says ‘Oh God’ and grabs the little desktop fan that is turned on. He leans back, separates his legs, and strategically places the fan close to his anus. A good 3 to 4 second fart ensues and most people giggle and don’t think anything of it. Now, I was closest to Dave and was the first to walk – head first, mind you – into it. Nothing….NOTHING to this day matches what entered my nasal cavity at that moment. I don’t know if the fan amplified it’s impact or what, but it was like I walked into a brick wall. My body’s natural reflexes took over and I immediately turned 90 degrees and sprinted out of the room. I was like those actresses you see in those horror movies that stumble upon a dead body and try to run in the opposite direction, away from the beast. I run down the hallway – not looking back – and open the door to the lounge where I safely remain for the next few minutes. I start telling people of the horrors beyond that door. “Don’t open that f-ckin door!” I’d yell. Finally, after a few minutes, my heart rate slows down and I am able to breathe normally again. A couple of us, out of curiosity, cautiously open the door to look back on what has transpired. This is exactly what we saw: about 4 or 5 bodies laid out in the hallway like a f’n grenade went off. Pure carnage. People moaning and pulling up their shirts to cover up their noses. Standing in the middle of the hallway was Dave, sheepishly smiling, with his palms facing upward in a ‘Who me?’ kind of pose. His sister is the only other person upright, shaking her head with a knowing grin on her face as if she’s saying ‘Oh, that Dave.’
I never used that fan again.
